Saturday, December 18, 2010

So what!

Sure I am young...Sure I have more time then most to try for more children..But that does not make me feel better at all...What if Ailynn was my only chance of having a child of my own..what if my body just cant handle carrying a baby...What am I suppose to do then? :( Today is suppose to be a happy day and I am not happy at all! My boyfriend and I have been dating 15 months straight and its been so amazing and I cant wait to spend more amazing months with him! But thinking about all these what if questions has got me in one of those moods..That mood that just makes you hit rock bottom and makes you think so much your mind starts to hurt! "THe day you slipped away, Was the day I found it wont be the same"...That lyric is hitting home this week! A lot harder then I thought it would...I just wanna hold her...I wanna see her,  I want her back in my belly growing and getting bigger and bigger...But no She is in heaven looking down at me growing up..I don't like this at all..and I am sick of feeling sad! I just cant take it anymore..I wanna smile and not feel guilty for smiling, I just wanna have my baby girl in my arms again! I wanna hear her heart beat...I just want to wake up from this nightmare! I know this is a pity me blog but honestly I don't want you to pity me I want you to make a difference..Donate a teddy bear, a keep sake box, something to the hospital for a angel mom/ family that just lost their baby/babies. With everything going on right now with my mood and how I am feeling I think this would be a perfect time to start writing and start doing some christmas cards, maybe try getting my mind off things for a little! My little Princess will never leave my mind though..she is always there smiling at her mommy, just like the day I held her in my arms she had a little smile on her face! Will never forget that perfect smile she had! I love you Ailynn Chevy, you will never be forgotten! <3 and mommy cant wait until she can have more babies and tell them all about you! Love you sweetie! My love (boyfriend) I don't know what I would of done without you, you have gotten me through all of this...and thanks to you I am still here today! I love you so much baby! happy 15 months, and heres to many more months together! <3

"Always remembered, never forgotten" 

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


I think every single angel mom goes through those questions..
Why me?
Why us?
Why my baby?
Why now?
Why did this happen?
Why did God let this happen?

For me its more like Why didn't I tell my parents sooner so I could of heard her heart beat. Why didn't I try harder to save her? (even though I know there was nothing I could of done)
Also the why did my parents support me so much and know they act like I should be over it!
Its so hard to understand all of these questions that go through my mind every single day, but I know I need to sort through them and figure them out! 
All the Why questions, I know some I will never have an answer to, and I need to learn to accept that..but right now I don't wanna! I just want my baby back! So what that I am young, I would of done everything in my power to protect her, feed her, cloth her, give her a roof over her head...I would of worked 5 jobs if I would of had too...But no my baby gets taken away from me while other teens get to keep theres and they don't even want their babies! UGH! it makes me so mad....
I love you baby girl! <3

Monday, December 13, 2010

New to all of this!

Wow I never thought setting up a blog would be this hard..Mine does not even look like the well done ones..mine is just plain and I thought it was hard! Oh well at least now I have some place to go just to type and let out my feelings and hope someone listens. Today was better then yesterday! My angel would of been 15 months old yesterday, how crazy is that? To me crazy! If everything would of worked out fine and she was still here with me she would actually be turning one Jan. 26th, but sadly things took a turn for the worst and she is no longer here! I miss her so much! It just does not seem fair at all! Will I am going to bed...figuring all this blogging stuff gave me a head ache...sorry my blog is so boring :(