Oh My I won! :]

So I have not been on my blog in a really long time, I guess I still have writers block so its hard to get out what I want to say...But I was very surprised to get on today and find out I have been given an Stylish Blogger Award from my amazing angel mom friend Joey (http://joeythegirl.blogspot.com/)...It was a big shock to me because I have only posted like three blogs lol and they haven't been that good. But I have a little hunch that a little angel named Ailynn told Joey's angel Jack that her mommy needed a smile...because in tomorrow is the day that should of been...Ailynn's due date was suppose to be Jan. 26th.....So this award made me smile on a very cloudy day..







Here are the rules:

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself. 

3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers. 

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award! 







Wow this is going to be very hard for me to do...seven things about me? I am boring so lets see how many people I put to sleep lol....Here I go :]


1. I was born crossed eyed and had to have 3 or 4 surgeries to fix my eyes...yes they are still cross eyed but not as bad, you can only tell when I look a certain way or if I am tired...so STOP staring at me trying to figure it out or not lol


2. When I was little I was made fun of a lot...I had to wear classes and was funny looking, but I always wanted to be the popular girl in school (never was!)..and in 6th grade I had to get braces, so I was called four eyes and brace face and oh cant forget "train tracks"..


3. I have two sisters and one brother...me and my brother are ten years apart, my little sister and I are 12 years apart and my older sister is like a couple years older then me....sadly my family is very dysfunctional...I do not talk to my older sister at all, and I don't plan on talking to her anytime soon, she caused a lot of drama and I don't want anything to do with her..my younger siblings I barley see, which is sad and I want to start seeing them more soon (well see how that goes)


4. My love for pit bulls comes from my boyfriend Gabriel...When we started dating we got a pit bull named Sprocket (he is named after a gun not tools lol) but learning about pits I saw how much they are hated and used for dog fighting..it broke my heart...how could anyone use or hate this dog in such an evil way. They are the most loving, caring, amazingist dogs out there..So now I want to save all the pit bulls out there and give them better homes! Because I love my pit bull so much and I believe all pit bulls should be loved. and also my pit bull is like me, different and loving!


5.I played soccer from the age of 5 all the way to my 9th grade...I injured my hip badly playing flag football in school that basically ended my soccer career...It hurt so bad playing sometimes I just wanted to lay down on the field and cry...I still have a lot of problems with my hip, and have a feeling I am gonna need surgery when I am older. 


6. If you don't know this already, I am probably the shiest person you will ever meet...I get so nervous I make my self sick sometimes! I hate it! :( I cant do anything to make it go away...My hands start to shake and It makes everything I have to do even harder..I hate this about me!


7. SOOO my most embarrassing thing about me...I don't shower everyday...I know Gross! But I cant help it, my mom never made me shower every night, so my skin got so use to it that if I take a shower ever night I get so dried out and itchy that it hurts...so I shower every 3 days...and I have gone longer than that! Its totally gross but thats not really that bad because I don't stink lol


And the Awards Go To: (okay I don't know a lot of new bloggers so heres what I have looked at) :)


1.JoeyTheGirl. This is an amazing Mom that I have meet through support group, she blogs about her story and also her life..she also Vlogs :]
2.Granting Hope Ministries .Granting Hope Ministries organization distributes Baskets of Remembrance to local hospitals in the hope that they will bring encouragement to these families.
3.My Forever Child...My Forever Child has amazing jewelry and keepsake things for bereaved families
4.Names on The Sidewalk...Tiffany is an amazing woman that writes angels names on the sidewalk with chalk.
5.Living Life with the Terians....its a families blog about their lifes and there loss.
6.everything daisies..They help raise money for babies born to soon.
7.Beauty Will Rise...This the Abernathy Blog about trying to adopt a baby girl..




okay thats all I know :] this was harder then I thought it would be...
But I am honored that Joey picked me out of all the blogs out there
Thank you again Joey! :]

So what!

Sure I am young...Sure I have more time then most to try for more children..But that does not make me feel better at all...What if Ailynn was my only chance of having a child of my own..what if my body just cant handle carrying a baby...What am I suppose to do then? :( Today is suppose to be a happy day and I am not happy at all! My boyfriend and I have been dating 15 months straight and its been so amazing and I cant wait to spend more amazing months with him! But thinking about all these what if questions has got me in one of those moods..That mood that just makes you hit rock bottom and makes you think so much your mind starts to hurt! "THe day you slipped away, Was the day I found it wont be the same"...That lyric is hitting home this week! A lot harder then I thought it would...I just wanna hold her...I wanna see her,  I want her back in my belly growing and getting bigger and bigger...But no She is in heaven looking down at me growing up..I don't like this at all..and I am sick of feeling sad! I just cant take it anymore..I wanna smile and not feel guilty for smiling, I just wanna have my baby girl in my arms again! I wanna hear her heart beat...I just want to wake up from this nightmare! I know this is a pity me blog but honestly I don't want you to pity me I want you to make a difference..Donate a teddy bear, a keep sake box, something to the hospital for a angel mom/ family that just lost their baby/babies. With everything going on right now with my mood and how I am feeling I think this would be a perfect time to start writing and start doing some christmas cards, maybe try getting my mind off things for a little! My little Princess will never leave my mind though..she is always there smiling at her mommy, just like the day I held her in my arms she had a little smile on her face! Will never forget that perfect smile she had! I love you Ailynn Chevy, you will never be forgotten! <3 and mommy cant wait until she can have more babies and tell them all about you! Love you sweetie! My love (boyfriend) I don't know what I would of done without you, you have gotten me through all of this...and thanks to you I am still here today! I love you so much baby! happy 15 months, and heres to many more months together! <3


"Always remembered, never forgotten" 

WHY ME?

I think every single angel mom goes through those questions..

Why me?

Why us?

Why my baby?

Why now?

Why did this happen?

Why did God let this happen?

WHY?

For me its more like Why didn't I tell my parents sooner so I could of heard her heart beat. Why didn't I try harder to save her? (even though I know there was nothing I could of done)

Also the why did my parents support me so much and know they act like I should be over it!

Its so hard to understand all of these questions that go through my mind every single day, but I know I need to sort through them and figure them out! 

All the Why questions, I know some I will never have an answer to, and I need to learn to accept that..but right now I don't wanna! I just want my baby back! So what that I am young, I would of done everything in my power to protect her, feed her, cloth her, give her a roof over her head...I would of worked 5 jobs if I would of had too...But no my baby gets taken away from me while other teens get to keep theres and they don't even want their babies! UGH! it makes me so mad....

I love you baby girl! <3

New to all of this!

Wow I never thought setting up a blog would be this hard..Mine does not even look like the well done ones..mine is just plain and I thought it was hard! Oh well at least now I have some place to go just to type and let out my feelings and hope someone listens. Today was better then yesterday! My angel would of been 15 months old yesterday, how crazy is that? To me crazy! If everything would of worked out fine and she was still here with me she would actually be turning one Jan. 26th, but sadly things took a turn for the worst and she is no longer here! I miss her so much! It just does not seem fair at all! Will I am going to bed...figuring all this blogging stuff gave me a head ache...sorry my blog is so boring :(